S: Segregate, Separate, Amputate.
The last thing you want on the dreaded V-day is to be enjoying a plateful of baked ziti in your favorite restaurant and hear this in the next booth:
- Dude: “Your eyes are like stars sparkling from the heavens above…”
- Doe-eyed Chick: “Ermergherd you are totally romantic…”
- Dude: “Uh oh, you have some sauce on your neck…let me get that for you…”
A make-out session commences ten feet away from you and you do everything you can to not upchuck that baked ziti you just hoovered into your mouth. Segregate yourself from any and all couples that make you want to slit your wrists. Separate yourself from all possibilities of bumping into said couples. And if you happen to find yourself in a sticky situation like the above, swiftly amputate your left arm and beat them to death with it. The world will thank you for it.
I: Ignite your Inhibitions
Nothing soothes the soul like a night of binge-drinking whilst watching the entire first season of Once Upon a Time. While I don’t condone binge-drinking, desperate times call for desperate measures. It helps to have another single friend to join in with the fun – however it may be wise to hide all phones in the event drunk-texting becomes the best idea you’ve had since the last time you got drunk and texted every guy you’ve ever dated to tell them how much they suck. It’s not a good idea. Ever.
N: Nail a Neighbor
Yes. This means exactly what you think it means. Just make sure said neighbor is single, too. Homewrecking is greatly frowned upon and not something you want on your dating resume.
G: Grow a Pair
No, not that kind of pair. The womanly kind. Grab your confidence, strap on your frilliest bra, some underwear to match – drag that hot dress you bought last summer out of the closet! It’s time to paint those streets red, baby!! With it being V-day, all coupled-up humans will be doing coupled-up things…leaving those humans who are available to dance the night away and spill drinks on each other! Find your best single girlfriends, rent a limo and terrorize the neighborhood with high heels and boas! Turn V-day into ME-day!
L: Lesbians have more fun
I’m not telling you to ditch mankind in search for womankind just because you’re single. But if you need a pick me up, I suggest you and your friends hang out at a gay bar for the night. It’s infinitely more fun and you won’t have slimy guys taking your clothes of with their eyes. Don’t worry, no one is going to peg you as a lesbian. If anything, they’ll peg you as straight – befriend you and take selfies with you to show their ex-girlfriend they found some hot girls to hang out with. I also recommend drag shows… it will be a night you and your friends will never forget. And you might get some pointers on how to take your makeup from a sham to GLAM.
E: Extradite the Internet
You know it’s valentine’s day. You don’t need a million memes, sappy facebook posts, and articles that show you which sad sap Kim Kardashian has convinced to spend time with her, to remind you what day it is. Stay away from the internet. Facebook especially. It’s like poison – infiltrating your thoughts via your fingertips and eyes. So turn off the laptop, the tablet, the iphone and go to the spa. Get a massage. Get a tattoo that says Happy, Happy, Happy – whatever ruffles your feathers.
Valentine’s Day is about love, right? Who said you have to go looking for and wait for someone to give you that love! You have everything you need right inside of you! Take the time to love yourself. Pamper yourself. Allow yourself to devour that chocolate cake your diet has sworn you off of. And don’t forget. Valentine’s Day is just another day on the calendar. It’ll be over in the blink of an eye and you’ll move on to other things. Like the glaring observation that swimsuit season is right around the corner.